Post Interferon Syndrome vs Celexa 20 mg – 90 days in… thereabouts…

Lets see, that has to be about right, maybe 60 days because I guess I started taking the Celexa at the end of January and now we are rounding mid april so probably 70 days or so. The great news is that I rarely have the major stop me from functioning headaches anymore, taking the pain level from an easy 8 or 9 to a most days nothing at all and when the headaches do return it is a mild 2 or 3, not the all encompassing pain I experience full well half my days for so many years Post TX. Is it the medicine, or perhaps just the amount of time now finally getting on close to 4 years post TX, I really can’t say but I’m too scared to try and stop taking the medicine. I’m much less manic, much more focused and consistent and I’ve been outperforming at work and doing well. Save a couple of emails from disgruntled cheap shot customers, lol, in one I called my VP of Sales the price Nazi and since he was out I could offer an incredible price and the stupid customer sent it to my boss, the little pain in my ass, I was called in and reprimanded. Since when is Nazi a bad word… Oh well, who cares, life goes on.

The major downside of Celexa I’ve noticed though is that I’m not as driven and or motivated if you will. I’ve written almost nothing, nothing in the blog, books, barely anything in my own personal journal. I do my job well enough, even put in the extra hours for fear of being laid off yet again in this fickle economy, but as far as extra curricular, the gym, the blog, the meetings, I have been barely getting by.. And the meetings. the thing that has literally held me together the last five years, well I will be honest, on Celexa, while I still go, I don’t really feel like I get as much out of the meetings as I used to, don’t feel as compelled to share, and don’t leave with the sense of accomplishment and well being that I used to… now it’s just a blah feeling… but no headaches. Hard to weigh the pros and cons. I mean I’m not going to stop taking Celexa, I simply can’t. But there is a lot to be said about losing the drive to write, work out, or go to meetings and be passionate….

Also peeing. Urinating and orgasms, now take effing forever. Sometimes I’ll have to pee really bad walk in the bathroom and sit there for five minutes just waiting and waiting… weird side effect. In addition my super regularity is gone, as you could have timed the stock market on my morning movement prior to Celexa, and now, who knows, sometimes its a few days, sometimes its daily, which is strange for me.

Are those symptoms things worth the headaches being gone? Hard to say. I guess I’ll keep on keeping on, grateful that I’m cured of Hep C and alcoholism, or daily reprieve or what have you, and just be glad that something, anything was able to treat the headaches at all… for if this thing treats them one way, perhaps Lexapro, or Wellbutrin will treat them another, and I owe it to myself to explore those ways as well. Hope is better than despair I suppose, and headaches for years was starting to get a bit desperate for sure.

I’m grateful I’ve found something, but am definitely open to the possibility that something else may treat them better, and this time at least it will be nice to know I can fall back on the Celexa, should the headaches return. Also I may as well use whats working for a while at least, or hell for economic reasons at least wait until Lexapro has a generic.

- Jared Bryan Smith

Hippopotamus Sea

Post Interferon Syndrome – Headaches and Celexa (Citalopram)

So I made the move back to civilization from the mountain house, and I’m loving the new apartment and the new job. More than anything, all the fear wrapped up into not being able to perform at the new job is beginning to dissipate as the Post Interferon Syndrome headaches have been so diminished with the new meds. After Interferon I was so shocked to have that brain fog penetrate through and destroy my quality of life for many years after I stopped Interferon. I mean it sucks even worse because the doctors won’t admit it’s happening, blame it on other things, and tell you such idiotic things as, “Just take a multivitamin” or when you tell them about your symptoms kind of look down their nose at you and state “Well, if you say so.” I mean it’s quite remarkable really, how online you can find multiple people suffering from an almost universal diagnosis, and then go to three educated doctors in a metropolis like Atlanta, and have your General Doctor, your Gastroenterologist and your Neurologist, all basically say Interferon has no lasting side effects, so this must be an anomaly or just in your head, or even that you’re being a hypochondriac to the point you almost question it yourself. But I wrote about it, I journalled and I was even able to stop working for a while, move out of the city and see if it was allergies, pollution or something I hadn’t thought of, and the headaches persisted. I was still, 3.5 years later suffering from brain fog type headaches at least 66% of the time, which made selling, or making cold calls very tough if not impossible. So in 2012, facing a new job, a highly micro managed job, I was really scared I wouldn’t be able to perform because of the headaches. Two or three weeks into it, I was still suffering 2-3 days during the week, so almost out of hope, I decided to take a scientific practical objective look at what meds might possibly do for me. This is despite my being a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and opposed to being on any mood altering substances. I had tried anti depressant while I was beginning Interferon and I had been so early in sobriety, I felt like it made me more squirrely and even so uncomfortable that it made me think of drinking more often, and trust me at one year sobriety, I wasn’t in a position to be flirting with that possibility. Especially as I was just starting my battle against Hep C, the disease which attacks the very organ my liver uses to process alcohol. So my attempt at mood altering substances, or anti depressants had gone so bad I just was afraid they would make me want to drink again, but at 5 years sober, the headaches practically making me an invalid, I finally decided, hell or high water, I would give several different substances, 90 days or so, give them a fair shake and see how much better or worse I felt, just so longed as I didn’t drink or drug, it was worth the experiment. I’m glad I did.

It’s mind boggling how well Celexa works in combating my constant headaches. I mean it just doesn’t make sense it’s so effective. The first week or two was weird as I was adjusting but after I got over the hump, I mean to tell you the brain fog headaches I would rate as an 8 or so, fell down to around a 2, and the frequency of around 66% of the time or 2/3rds of the time walking around trying to function in pain has been reduced to around 1/10th of the time. They also gave me Prodrin to combat the migraines, the other kind of headache that actually significantly went away when I quit smoking 2 years ago, and it’s basically caffeine and a ton of Tylenol, but that too does the trick on that particular kind of headache. I am just so grateful I held out and waited, and found something that finally worked. I will give this another 90 days or so, or maybe even after that explore other ones to see which one I function the most highly on, but this is like a minor miracle to me, because I was suffering for so long, in so much frustration and pain, and I thought it would never end. I still don’t understand it. Could it be I was so depressed, or so chemically imbalanced it actually caused physical pain to my brain. I mean that looks like the case but seems far fetched and unlikely, however, I am not a chemist, a doctor or even educated about such things. All I know is it killed my headaches, made my life functional again and I am grateful.

I was written too by someone recently stated they had to go back on oxys because of their post interferon pain, and let me tell you man, I can relate. I was an opiate addict for a long time, and I write about that part of my life significantly in my book Hippopotamus Sea, however, I am not going back to that shit, ever again. Not saying I haven’t been tempted over the last 3.5 years though, I thought about it at least once a week for sure. It just isn’t an option for me anymore, I’d sooner eat a bullet. Just like any drug, I need more and more, for less and less effect, and it’s what caused all this bullshit to begin with. I’m not ever going back to that, and if you’re suffering I beg of you to quit the opiates and try Celexa, for some reason it really helped me with my post interferon symptoms. Opiates and drinking, relapse in general is not a viable option, period the end. Other than catastrophic surgery and taking the meds with sponsor supervision, we with the disease of addiction can not flirt with pain meds or drugs effectively, and even with the Celexa, I was in constant contact with my sponsor and letting him know exactly what I was trying, and he was aware of every decision I was making. Accountability is key in sobriety, and no matter the pain, there is no excuse to going back to opiates, drinking or any kind of narcotic. With us to use or drink is to die.

That being said, I do still feel a bit anxious from time to time on Celexa which makes me want to try Lexapro because I hear that it has an anti anxiety portion, and now my mind is much more open about the capabilities of these meds, whereas before I thought it was a block to your higher power, and the sunlight of the spirit, now I’m glad my headaches are gone regardless. Actually the Doctor had suggested Lexapro, but they didn’t have it in generic, and therefore the insurance company changed my prescription, or rather made me call and get the Doctor to change the prescription, which in itself is news worthy. Who the fuck gives the insurance company of none doctors the ability and power to change my medications, solely based on cost. I mean, it’s really an outrage. They say Lexapro will have a generic within the year though, so I’ll just continue on Celexa, record the symptoms, and then compare once I switch over later on.

I am still glad I found a baseline before using them, but I mean, Post Interferon, meetings and step work just wasn’t killing the headaches like it killed the urge to drink early on for me. Everything happens for a reason I suppose.

Hippopotamus Sea

- Jared Bryan Smith

Whitney Houston said “These drinks are watered down” in her last days…

There’s not an alcoholic in the world who has gone past that lonely invisible line, that doesn’t know what kind of living hell her life had become at that moment. The moment the drink stops working, and you can’t imagine your life with or without alcohol. For me, and I chronicle this all very vividly and in detail in my book Hippopotamus Sea, My Viral sobriety, the drinks not only stopped getting me drunk, but they began to taste of charcoal, or maybe brimstone, because I do not exaggerate when  I say its the closest thing to hell I’ve ever experienced. Following those dire moments for me I hit multiple crossroads, a few more chances, a few mere suggestions to go into AA and my sister had a heart to heart little barrage of words with me. All of it was a divine message of warning though, and I bet Whitney got about that same level of attention from the same God who saved me, I mean hell, she did grow up singing in the choir. Man, 49 years old, and really who knows how long it had been for her with the drink not working? Earth people just have no clue what that statement, what those witnesses grasped. When an addict’s drug stops working, the relief is over, hell has just descended. Somehow, through hundreds of AA meetings, and prayer and stepwork, I made it out, but Whitney died in a bathtub a couple of days later, and I’m just grateful that didn’t happen to me… hell I don’t think I had hot water when I was getting sober. Maybe being poor is a blessing.

So I have lots of other news to report as well, I am loving the new job, though it’s tough, the environment is competitive, and I enjoy the haggling, and the negotiating, and there is a lot of room for upward mobility. Also too, the headaches, the brainfog headaches, from what I considered to be Post Interferon Syndrome, seem to finally have abated a good deal since getting on Celexa prescribed by my Neurologist, that I finally decided to take after kicking and screaming against prescription meds and especially mood altering drugs for so many years. I can’t believe that my depression was causing physical pain in my head for over 3 years post TX and it’s probably too soon to say that’s what it was, but damn it all to hell if I don’t feel remarkably better, and I’m not able to make my 100 calls, do 2 hours in the gym and still commute 3 hours a day, and still feel pretty good about life in general. I mean, that is some amazing progress considering the debilitating nature of these headaches and the magnitude and quantity of their overbearing presence. I’m just humbled and grateful and must redact everything I’ve ever really written about prescription meds in this blog. I mean I’m still glad I discovered a baseline, emotionally, and physically in my sobriety, but wow, this Celexa has literally cured the worst of my brain fog headaches, and I seem to be able to think more clearly as well, which again is just a very big deal for someone who was forgetting names of friends and simple math and I mean its just a really big deal. Weeks one and two on the stuff was quirky and I  think when I’d started Interferon way back when I tried it and couldn’t get through the anxiety of the first week or two, but when I broke through week two I felt great. I’m only hesitant to declare it a total cure because i still did get hit with a migraine on Thursday, but I mean thats one headache out of seven days compared to like 6 out of 7, and the migraines and the brain fog headaches are two totally different types, one you can work thru, but the brain fog ones, felt like the day after an interferon shot and I’ve experienced them consistently every since treatment which has sucked ass, brutal, and made work next to impossible.

So once again, I learn that the more I know the less I understand, but I will take it, I will take relief and the ability to work, and work hard at a job I enjoy any day of the week and thank God for my sobriety, and all my friends and family who helped me and or tolerated me as I went through the pain of the last few years. You get to the point where you don’t talk about it much because you are tired of hearing your own self bitch. I mean I lost jobs to this thing, probably lovers and friends as well, but such is life. I am glad I found something that manages the pain, and if you’re having Post Interferon Syndrome related headaches I highly recommend trying Celexa, 20 mgs has helped me considerably and I just wish I’d tried it sooner but my old school AA nature really resisted it as being “not sober” but the Big Book does state “we are not doctors” and they have no opinion on outside issues, I probably shouldn’t have been so judgmental about medications before I just felt like they would block the sunlight of the spirit, and create the urge to drink again, but that hasn’t been the case for me at all.

Life and sobriety continue to be learn as you go I suppose, and I’m just glad I found some relief, and now feel competent to keep my job, because after losing two sales jobs back to back due to this pain, I was really concerned I simply wouldn’t be able to perform, but I’m averaging more calls than the entire class of 15 they hired, and things are going great. I still miss the little chaos creating alcoholic I dated up here in the mountains, but I’ve been good about not calling or contacting her as well. Whats the point? I can’t date an active alcoholic no matter how much I want to, haha, but I guess I’m still just a little stunted in that area, better to be single than with the wrong one though. Such is life, live and learn.

Condolences for Whitney, her family the poor daughter, and of course all our men and women who’ve passed since this war began, because in case you hadn’t noticed we’re still losing people every week. In both Afghanistan and Iraq, where we most certainly do still have about 15000 “embassy personnel” and military contractors. Looks like things are bout to heat up there as well. I think by October we’ll be driving some tanks up to the doorsteps of those reactors in Iran and sending in demo teams to destroy every bit, we’ll prolly stay out of the cities, but Iran can’t be let to have nukes, and air power alone will just slow them down, so I think Obama will try and pull a patriotic rally right before the election with a ballsy tank maneuver and you know what, it might just work, and get him reelected. We shall see, as we say, more shall be revealed!

If you haven’t already done so please check out my book, the cartoons on Youtube and post www.books4free.com on your facebook page to spread the word! Thanks so much and have a great weekend!

Hippopotamus Sea

Jared Bryan Smith

The more I learn, the more I realize how little I know…

One thing I’ve learned recently is I really am susceptible to shit thinking still. I mean a few times listening to a Preacher and the next thing you know I’m not eating… jeez… and what a weird experience that was too, I mean it creates almost a high I even believed those prayers and meditations were more succinct and clear, and maybe they were, but I mean the info I gathered from them was all so circumstantial and suspect at best, it was basically a useless experiment. Except I guess it did make me put some things into perspective. It certainly in retrospect however was not, as I at one time briefly suspected, was not God’s voice I was hearing as I was starving myself or as he called it… fasting. I was just a little more unstable without food in me, haha. HALT as we say, probably the opposite of fasting. But yeah a week or two out from it some things are more clear.

For instance, the tall glass a water, active alcoholic, no matter how easy on the eyes she was, has gone from my thoughts within a couple of weeks of not seeing her. Well either I’m getting better at getting over lost love, or she just wasn’t as moving as the last, and I believe it’s much more likely the latter. Most likely it just wasn’t love at all.  For example, there are still these moments I recall from the last that were just fucking breathtaking. I didn’t mean to, in fact I’d thought all those old pictures were gone, but I stumbled across a picture of us at Halloween on Colleen’s facebook page, and we were both untagged, but there we are talking for all the world to see, and damn if it didn’t make my heart skip a beat. And it reminded me of a moment that had happened a few days before this picture, where I’d pulled into 8111 and the sun was shining bright. She was sitting on the swing talking to her sponsor, and we’d been not speaking for about two weeks I believe, and when I saw her, I mean just a glance, just a split second, it was like I’d done a huge fucking line of something powerful. I mean that’s all I can compare it to, I might be five years sober, but that is the best description, it set my heart on fire, and my mind began racing. I was giving her her space, so I left, I drove away, I went to work on a shed in a friends yard in Mountain Park, and I mean, I remember working on that shed, just smiling that she was alive on Earth, even though we weren’t speaking and it was for all intents and purposes over. That kind of overwhelming physical reaction never even came close to happening with this North GA blonde, I mean not even remotely close. And the loss, the sheer vast emptiness I felt when I finally knew it was over, was beyond words, as if someone had died. Again, nothing of the kind happened this go round. I guess you only get a few of those a lifetime, those bigger than life emotional and actual physical responses to another human being, and thank God for it, too many of those and we’d either never appreciate it or die from the effects. Not to say it won’t or can’t happen again, but that it is unique and rare, and the differences are noticeable, much more so when you take a step back and look at the whole. I guess I needed to see that pic of the previous, because it really put into perspective the fact that this tall blonde hair stylist was gone from my mind almost as soon as I quit diving into the old behavior. When we stopped talking the emotions went away, but for the girl previous, it took 90 days before the God sized hold even began to close up, and I still dreamed about her for months after that. As soon as the hair stylist and I stopped talking tho it was over, whereas real love lingers on, persists through, whether it’s reciprocated or not, when you really love someone it’s a completely different intensity, level of passion than a passing fling. The hair stylist was gorgeous and those legs were to kill for, but I mean, it was easy to set aside in retrospect comparatively speaking.

But hell, what do I know, maybe it was just because it was a shorter length of time. But then I remember the previous, and how sweet she smelled and how well we fit in each others arms, and I have to admit that it was something different entirely, no matter how long ago or how irrelevant it is now, it was a whole higher level of magnitude, and this fling, or passing fancy, was just that, nothing to be compared to. All I can do is hope that it happens again like that sometime, because it brought an intensity into my life that I’d not felt in sobriety before or since and I’d love to feel that way again. It’s basically common accepted knowledge that certain men just create more, produce more, write more, paint more, accomplish more, when they have a good woman in their lives that they love. If I’d settled for an active alcoholic like this hair stylist, how much would I have not accomplished? How far off the path would I have strayed? And if I don’t meet another woman for five, ten or twenty years like the ones I’ve known, whose to say I won’t in 30 that possesses my heart so fully that I accomplish more in my later years than I could have ever done now, in my thirties when I’m still so driven by all my mad passions and desires. In Napoleon Hill’s Think and Grow Rich, he states that great men rarely make it big prior to their mid 40′s because their passions basically consume the majority of their thoughts and desires, and I wonder if that isn’t totally true. Who knows, surely there are exceptions and your mad computer geniuses are surely proof of that, but are they really great men? Developers ,I think the case could be made, are responsible for a good portion of the worlds frustrations right now, I have days where I absolutely can’t stand them…

Ahh but I digress, I am an easily sidetracked man, following a girl into her trailerpark for a few months of pointless chatter just because she’s easy on the eyes, and a good ole boy southern preacher can talk me into not eating for a few days, just because I happened to follow that same pretty barbie doll into a church, for fucks sake, thank God it’s over, lol, I’d be living in a North Georgia trailer park tending to an alcoholic crack pot and her crazy ass family for the next 30 fucking years, lmao, man I crack myself up. How did I ever think that was a good idea? I mean, I guess I didn’t  but just thought it was fun, while unemployed to chase around, but still, I mean that was dangerous, watching a girl drink herself to death, lie, cheat and steal, however entertaining is like juggling flaming razor blades, eventually you’re going to end up cut and burnt. And then to end it and realize it wasn’t really even close to love, it just makes me realize how much of a slave to my emotions I still really am and what a clusterfuck I’m still capable of creating. Man, thank God for doing for me what I can’t do for myself sometimes. All you can do is don’t drink, keep going to meetings, and keep doing the things that I did in my first 90 days of sobriety… hell it also kickstarted working with my sponsor again, so I guess it aint all bad. Live and learn I suppose, but seriously, I do need to raise the bar a bit when even spending time with women moving forward.

God forbid one talk me into joining a Hare Krisna cult, next thing you know I’ll be blogging live from Tibet, telling yall about fasting with a yogi in a cave… I pray she does make it to the rooms one day, but it’s a program of attraction not promotion and as long as that family is cosigning all her bullshit, I doubt she’ll ever get sober. Alcoholism is a killer, fast or slow, it kills you, period the end, and everyone around you gets to watch, feel the pain, and suffer the consequences of your selfishness, all the while  you think you are in fact the victim, and I mean, you are, but your decisions are making everyone else life a living torture chamber. I don’t ever want to raise my family in an environment like that. The cycle stops here.

Hippopotamus Sea

-Jared Bryan Smith

… pain was the touchstone of all spiritual growth … page 93 12 Steps and 12 Traditions

These AA ole timers really knew their shit. Pain really is the only reason I am willing to work on things or try and change. After waffling back and fourth on being her friend, or not being her friend, demanding more than friendship, I went all weekend last week without a word from her, and the loss, that God sized hole seemed to be finally closing up a bit over all of this, the cold facts on the ground allowing me to realize that it was over, wasn’t going to work out and ultimately I wanted something different than she wanted anyway. By Sunday I’d basically put her to the back corner of my mind, not calling or texting her all weekend and not hearing from her either, when low and behold the phone rings, and I seem powerless to ignore it.

I say hello, and she asks me to come over. I ask why she didn’t call me back Thursday, knowing damn well she went out all weekend and she says “You wanna be irritated, or you wanna come over?” So I came over. I really don’t know why. I tried, I mean I really gave it my all to just be her damn friend, but when her damn cell phone started ringing, and I could hear it was a dude, and she invited him over, that day, while I was already over there, hell, I just couldn’t take anymore. We aren’t friends, I can’t go from lover to friend, and I can’t not be jealous, I don’t give a fuck if she swears it’s platonic or not. I am too passionate and jealous to be in one of those quasi friend/waiting for you to change your mind back to lover situations and I just bolted without telling her why, with really no explanation at all.

I started my new job which is back in the city, an hour and a half both ways, so I really don’t have time for any of the bullshit anymore regardless. But when she texted me on Wednesday… let me rephrase that, when she called the house line, then the cell phone, then texted me and I finally replied “Is your other guy friend going to be there? No thanks I’m not even close to the house yet and I’m exhausted.” She fucking lost it, I mean blew a gasket! that was literally all I said, but damn girls don’t like getting called out on their shit. Then she goes full on ballistic, calling me a weirdo stalker… this from a guy who NEVER initiated contact with her EVER, I always waited for her to text or call me… probably cause she was fucking that guy and she thought it would take stalking to deduce this… yeah right, I didn’t need to be sherlock holmes to figure out an alcoholic hair dresser was easy. I think that is one of the most surprising traits I’ve discovered of beautiful women in my adult life, and I mean, it’s almost universal to all gorgeous jaded women, when you finally piss them off in the end, like that it’s over piss them off, they almost all, universally call you a stalker, even when you are the furthest thing from it. It’s like they really do want you to stalk them, and because you aren’t they have to bald face lie and accuse you of it anyway. I mean from Gwen Evere the redhead, to last years blonde to this latest, when it was over have all falsely accused me of stalking them… I me an there is some kind of psychological gold mine there  and I just can’t seem to fit how that all makes sense. I guess it’s tied to their egos, and they just can’t imagine that you’re not stalking them. I really don’t know, but it’s why I almost never call or text or initiate any conversation with them once things start getting rocky, cause I fucking hate hearing that, and I don’t fucking do it, never have, and never will, and yet, it becomes a go to insult once shit hits the fan. Drives me nuts man.

Anyway, she blew up on me, and did for me what I could not do for myself, told me she was DONE, LEAVE ME ALONE…. etc etc… it was about 10 or so texts calling me a stalker, loser, asshole freak, etc… This time, 5 plus years sober, I was able to respond with only kindness. As my first sponsor Pete would tell me Kindness Regardless, and I was able to do that. I said I was sorry to upset her… then she said. I’m not UPSET, thats a laugh…. oh well…Just because I am kind doesn’t mean she has to respond in kind.

Couldn’t help but think of sending her roses, with the Zac Brown lyric “Keep Me In Mind”  but I’m broke, and besides, that would be needy and pathetic and I aint begging a woman for shit anymore, I’m over it. If God would prefer I be single for a while, then so be it. I mean, I definitely can’t date active alcoholics. It got me thinking too much about how easy the relationship would be if I just started drinking, which is a dangerous part of town for my mind to be driving round romantisizing, so yeah, live and learn. It was a fun few months and she was a stunningly good looking tall glass of water, those long legs won’t soon be forgot, but ultimately just another lesson, another invitation to improve myself and learn more about myself as well.

It has been the impetus to begin working on my steps again also… I hadn’t done any step work since the last blonde left, and though this ones departure was nothing like the emotional abyss of the last, part of that simple fact is because I cut the cord so much earlier I’m sure, so there, even with that scenario I can say I learned and applied the lesson. The real lesson I think here is I can’t control who I’m going to fall for or not, so I can’t just be random and careless in the women I begin sleeping with. Who knew?

It probably seems obvious to Earth people, but to me that is strange, because there were quite a few girls throughout the year I was with that didn’t move me at all, and then the most chaotic dysfunctional whirlwind comes around and BAM I’m hooked, like heroin. Pink or green, money or women, what is stressing you out? Well, I just landed a great job, and I got no woman, so life is pretty groovy, haha… the step work recentered me almost instantly. I’m glad I got back to it.

So this time I think it’ll stick, she’s gone gone gone, and that is just fine. I need to take a break for a while anyway. I think the church girl idea probably has the most validity, and just don’t reveal quite so much so fast this time. I mean I love an exciting girl as much as the next guy, but I’m also getting to damn old for all the drama.

Well, that’s 100 blog posts believe it or not. Kind of mind boggling even to me. These social media experts don’t know shit. lol, it takes money to sell books, not social media… Oh well, all part of the learning process. Check out my story of recovery on www.books4free.com and thanks for your support!

Jared Bryan Smith

Hippopotamus Sea

If you have a 1000 problems and one of them is alcoholism, you have 1 problem.

I remember hearing this phrase early on in my sobriety as I laid out a litany of issues I had that were going on. I was told this, and it seemed to make sense. In fact I knew in my heart they were right, if I just fixed this one major thing, I would be fine in all the other areas of my life.

I wish I could convey that to some of the people I have run across in my life as of late. I sadly made the mistake of going over to the tall blondes yesterday, and watched her as she drank vodka and became mean and whined on about the number of different problems she had going on in her life. It was just pathetic. How she hasn’t been arrested up here in truely mind boggling. There is no convincing her, and there is no promoting AA to her, as we are a program of attraction rather than promotion. But it sure was sad to watch, and sadder to watch her son, and know what kind of issues he is going to have raised in that kind of household. How I know too well.

I made a lot of mistakes in 2011 that I don’t want to repeat in 2012. I want to stop dating unavailable, emotionally and physically and mentally all in all women, I want to find a woman I can be with and treat right and be treated right in mutual respect and harmony. I wish I’d stayed friends with some, I would love to have kept in touch. Why did things have to be so drastic and intense. Same thing with this last one, instantly she has unfriended me and turned venomous towards me. What did I do to warrant that? I was nothing but kind to her, but the AA stuff I think may have scared her off.

Well this life isn’t for everyone. One of the surprising aspects of sobriety is the having to be strong while those around you ruin their lives. I mean its maddening. We must become tough as we watch those around us slowly kill themselves, and it sometimes hurts. I want to remain friends with her, but I mean I don’t want to watch it that closely you know. I want to be available should she decide she wants sobriety I suppose, but I don’t want to watch her scream at her folks, or me. It is a hard line to draw in the sand. I don’t want to lose her forever as I have lost others, because that served no purpose at all, but I don’t want to be so close that the shrapnel can hit me either. It is a tough call.

Well, tomorrow  I start my new sales job, so yeah, cold calling isn’t ideal, it is a soul sucking, energy draining, inspirtational vortex of a black hole, but I could use the stability, health insurance and paycheck for a while, and if I just can’t deal with it long term, I will look at other options and stop banging my hand in the door with it…

If I can make it work, great, it will fund the launch of the other business, but if I simply can’t do it, it may be time to look at other options.

This writing should be the main priority besides. Even if it is a dismal failure, monetarily, 21 positive reviews can’t all be lies, and for my first book, I need to just be happy with the results however limited and use it as a springboard to write some more stuff. For me, I feel like I need some stability before I launch another writing project though, but perhaps that is just an excuse.But even 100 blog posts and the plus 10k views here should be seen as an accomplishment. Just because it hasn’t become a best seller, I should be so hard on myself. I was honest, and I completed the project, I should be proud, I learned alot about writing, publishing and even blogging.

With brain fog, post interferon, it is easy to give in to the temptation or idea of giving up, but that is not why I got sober. I do feel better than I did 1 year post TX so God willing each year, however slow will get easier and easier. I did have a dream I was smoking opium the other day, and it cleared up the brain fog instantly, lol, right… that is a grand idea retard. Opiate addiction, or alcoholism doesn’t make any problem better at all I assure you. I need to just be grateful for the journey, and keep on trucking. Make better decisions, and know that God has a plan, I just can’t see all of it all the time.

Hippopotamus Sea

Jared Bryan Smith

My fasting experiment…

Well I only lasted 32 hours, but I mean the results were tangible. I became hungry. haha… no I was definitely amazed by the clarity of my prayers, by the meaning and depth of reading scripture and there was a lot to be said for fasting overall. I still am skeptical of Free Chapel though to be quite perfectly honest.

I went there yesterday to pray prior to going down to do some step work with a sponsee at the 1 pm and low and behold there were, I’d say, about 20 people there already kneeling and praying at the front of the church. However I couldn’t help but notice the feeling of the whole place just being a big TV set. There was no cross, no alter, no stain glass windows, just a huge stage. Then to my left I heard some of those folks talking in tongues. I pretty much decided to end my fast and eat a cheeseburger right then and there. It was weird, and there was no church leadership, or even anything remotely christian about the praying…. I guess I’m just a little too skeptical still.

All that skepticism aside, I can’t argue that the Bible mentions praying and fasting quite a bit, more than I’d ever acknowledged before in my life and I’m glad to have brought it to my spiritual tool kit. I noticed in my meditation Sunday night after I was able to stay a lot more focused than usual… but then again I hadn’t really meditated in a long time anyway. Still, it put things into perspective.

I was able to recall just how powerful the feelings from last year were, and though similar, how far a cry this new woman was, and how both were but a taste of what is to come. Clearly I am not ready to receive the love God has in store for me at this moment but that doesn’t mean I won’t be one day in the future. Just that last year wasn’t right, and and this girl wasn’t the right one either, to be ok with that, to be patient, and that really I should have never let someone quite so sick get quite so close to begin with. One more set of lies I can no longer trust in myself I suppose, that I can date an active alcoholic because I won’t be stupid enough to develop feelings for her… nix that theory. I am just that stupid and more. No, I can’t fix people is part of the lesson. So don’t try and date or make love to projects that need fixing. I have enough fixing of my own to deal with, I need not take on any more challenges.

But after mediating, and praying yesterday, that hole in my heart was literally gone. So I guess a couple of lessons learned, calling the ball earlier reduces the pain, or the length of the pain, and also, fasting and praying is a great way to sharpen your connection to your higher power at any time. It filled the God sized hole right up in just over a 24 hour time frame. Reminding me of how human and delicate and savage I really am, and how much I really do need God.

Our program of AA is a spiritual program of action and that is one of the things I really enjoyed about fasting, is that it was an action event. Unlike so much else in the Bible, and outside of our 12 steps, it is something we can do, take action towards, and immediately begin reaping the benefits, feeling the results. if ever I begin to doubt God again I know I can use this tool, not eating, to immediately begin to feel his presence and force my hand to begin communicating. It reminds me of that saying, if you feel God is no longer in your presence, “Who do you think moved?” By fasting I get back to God, and I mean in a hurry. I must have prayed two dozen times, on my knees in that 30 hour period and my mind was crystal clear.

Regardless of my skeptical nature, I truly can not argue that Fasting has added an arrow to my quiver that I won’t soon forget.

I am grateful that pain of loss left me, grateful I start a new job next week, and grateful that joy and happiness are in my heart. I wish that girl the best, and I will remain her friend if she should call upon me, but I will not allow myself to get sucked back into an alcoholic sick situation. I will stay sober, and hopefully one day she’ll want sobriety based on my example. I wrote multiple letters I can’t send promoting AA and our way of life, but upon talking to my sponsor, which I already damn well knew, that is not how we operate. We are a program of attraction not promotion, so we’ll just have to wait by the sidelines, and move on, if it were right omnipotent God would make it so. As I’ve said before “If it’s right nothing in the world you do can prevent it from happening and if it’s wrong, nothing in the world can force it.” It is what it is, and I’m just grateful I can accept that more easily 5 years in than I could when I first got sober.

Hippopotamus Sea

Jared Bryan Smith

My First 24 hours Fasting Completed… 2 days to go…

Man it’s amazing what a few meals missed will do to hone your prayer life. I’ve hit my knees a dozen times since I got home from Free Chapel yesterday easily. I did have a couple of miracles pop up too. My meditation last night was pristine, crystal clear. However, after I blogged yesterday I rememebered something Pastor Jentezen said about talking about fasting, that mainly, if you brag or boast or complain about your fasting that in itself is the own spiritual reward and you don’t actually recieve anything more than just the satisfaction of telling whoever it is you told. That was a bit confusing. Like does it matter if I blog about it, with an anonymous name? I don’t know. My solution is going to be just to record and blog all my thoughts on the fast, then release them after I’m done fasting. I guess that should work, I mean, who knows, it’s all kind of theoritical anyway isn’t it. It is interesting though, I slept very well last night, and my prayers do seem crystal clear. Also reading in the Bible seems to be very poignant I guess is the best way to describe it, dynamic, not the boring hum drum reading scripture usually is, but more meaningful somehow.

It occurred to me on the biological side, this sharpening of the senses, or as Jentezen calls it the Edge, actually serves a biological purpose. If I was in the wild hungy, the hungrier I got the more sharp my senses become attuned, making it easier for me to hunt and kill some sort of food. Up to a point I suppose though, because I did find myself pretty tired at the end of the day yesterday after not eating anything all day long, and I did fall asleep rather easily.

As far as the blonde goes, its over, and any delusions or imagining that I could resurrect what never was to begin with is just me living in fantasy land. Not to mention I really shouldn’t want to be with a lost girl who drinks like a fish. I think taking another respite from relationships, or the attempt at them is a good idea, talk to a shrink about what it is about crazy damaged women that gets me going, and why don’t I think I can be with a normal girl long term. Also as I talked to my sponsor yesterday about my Fast, he mentioned I hadn’t really done any real stepwork in over 9 months or so and maybe that would help as well. He is probably right. I do need to get back into the steps.

Even if I fail today though, 24 hours without food I think is a good start for my first fast doing it all by myself, and it was strange that set of circumstance by which I imagined giving him the book and launching books4free.com to spread Bibles into China. Think I’ll head up to Free Chapel now and see if I can hand him a copy of my book, you never know. I have nothing to lose right?

God give me the strength to continue on this fast, and continue staying sober and doing your will. Please relieve me of the codependent feeling of falling I get every time I fall for a girl. I guess it’s good too, this being only the 2nd time I’ve really fallen in sobriety, to know that it really was just my perception, that it wasn’t the specific chemistry or magic of one in particular, but just my falling in love, and that I can do it again, this won’t be the last time, wasn’t the first, and getting over this one should be a bit easier, knowing full well it does get easier and in this case, knowing that I can fall for someone else again in the future. Bearing that in mind though please allow me to remember that I fall easily and should only let people into my life that are actually available and want to be in a relationship, that are also Christians, and if not sober, at least not alcoholic, and slowly killing themselves with drink and drug.

Thank you God for all the blessings you have put into my life, most especially the restored family and love of the fellowship of AA without which I wouldn’t be where I am today. No matter how crazy we all are, we’re never all crazy on the same day, and I’ve always gotten so much wisdom advice, tolerance and love from a group of people in my life. Ok, I’m rambling, my mind feels sharp, but fatigued… heading out to pray at church then work with a sponsee on his 6th and 7th step, God grant me strength.

Hippopotamus Sea

Jared Bryan Smith

If nothing changes, nothing changes…

So as a female friend in AA told me a month ago, you sound stuck. Sure enough, it’s looking that way. When I saw I’d missed her call last night, I did my best not to call her this morning, just keeping it all at bay, watching some TV, keeping it light, and then the phone rang. I ran upstairs, expecting it to be her, and it was a fucking bill collector. Not even for me, a wrong number bill collector. But since my heart was in my chest pounding, and since I’m clearly still not right in the head when it comes to dysfunctional relationships I put aside my intentions, and called her. She said they were going to church and so I said I’d meet them there.

Now here is where it gets kind of weird. I’d had a few conversations regarding fasting over the course of last year, and how come I’d never heard of any Christians doing that, and then boom, through a strange set of coincidences, a beautiful girl in defensive driving course, and then subsequently going to her church, I soon find myself listening to the master of all Christian Fasting movements in the US, Jentezen Franklin. I mean the guy is mesmerizing, and I’m such an easy sell, before you know it I’m agreeing in my mind to giving this fast a shot. I mean hell, if nothing else, being hungry would keep my mind off of thinking about her right? I also figure I’ll save a few bucks, haha. I mean the Bible does speak pretty clearly and plainly about fasting multiple times and  I talked a whole lot of shit about hypocrites when I was out there drinking and drugging, so hell, maybe there is something to fasting. For all I know cussing is something I’ll have to start working on next.

Who knows he said? Throw prayers to God and accept his will regarding them. Who knows? As I was driving home, I remembered thinking about www.books4free.com when I first bought the domain name years and years ago and how originally  I think it was an idea to take the Bible into China, maybe have it interpreted into all the languages of the world, and then be a part of spreading the word of Christ and God throughout the entire world. I don’t know why that appealed to me so much or why I’d forgotten it but it came back to me in a flood as I was leaving the sermon. I took a different way home, crossing Browns Bridge road, and as I thought of myself in China distributing Bibles, maybe serving some time in a Chinese prison and over dramatizing the whole thing in my head, a big sign came up and it said “Expect a Miracle.” Now that’s pretty damn funny, because it was Pastor Jentezen’s Church that sponsored the billboard, but even funnier because of course that is AA jargon originally and I, of course, owe my entire life to AA and certainly can not argue against miracles in this world. Having been relieved of the burden to drink and drug, I know firsthand, that miracles do happen, so why not some really big ones. Made me smile. A lot of coincidences.

We’re still friends, doesn’t look like I’m going to be forgiven for laying down the gauntlet, but I mean really, not even sure that I want to, she is clearly still in her cups and I really don’t know how much of that I could really take longterm… So maybe just learning to keep an ex lover in my life as a friend will be the lesson here, I really don’t know. Can’t tell if I’m still hurting over it or just hungry now. haha…

So anyway, I’m praying for guidance on that, on the job front, on health, happiness in general, as you may have been able to see, I haven’t been the most content in the last few months of my recovery trying to cope with facts on the ground in this new life. Dealing with the Brain Fog, lost relationships, being a sponsor, all of these things are new and taxing to me, and I don’t know, not eating all day long has definitely sharpened my focus about them all. I’m not being as hard on myself.

I am only human. Praying for guidance and fasting while praying concentrates the prayers it seems, the focus is more intense. I’m only really  a day into it so I’m sure tomorrow and Tuesday will be much more painful and revealing but so far I’m not too uncomfortable and I’ve already noticed some results. I mean the prayer thing is definitely a must, and anything  that makes you pray more than usual must be good right? We shall see. More to be revealed. I pray I can make it the full three days.

I have noticed the bad breath, the film in my mouth and the irritability when my sponsee called, not that I’m the most cheerful sponsor anyway, but I was definitely more irritable than usual… we shall see, prayers would be appreciated!

Hippopotamus Sea

Jared Bryan Smith

Gravity makes it so much easier to fall down than to stand up.

I don’t know exactly how it all happened yesterday. We hadn’t spoken in exactly a week, and I had a 7:30 am breakfast meeting, so after being up from 5:30 and having a very productive meeting I headed on back home and made it back by around lunch. Where upon glancing at her facebook I found she had blocked me. Man this pissed me off something fierce. It was just all falling into the exact same pattern as every other time and I saw no benefit in continuing this hard ass stance I have taken in the past, because it quite literally has zero positive results, other than the person just being 100% gone in all totality, and whether or not we ever grow into anything or not, that can not possibly be the outcome I desire.

Still, if nothing changes nothing changes, and I went over there to deal with the same bullshit I’d left behind a month ago. Exact same shit, drinking vodka by 5 in the afternoon, creating drama, fielding calls from all over the known universe. I guess what I’m trying to do is learn to just be her friend. The thing is, that wasn’t my intention at all. When I called her, it was to get her home address so I could put a letter in the mail letting her know what AA had done for me and my life, and my fatherhood, and as soon as I texted her, it turned into me asking for forgiveness… then her saying to come over. I mean, completely the opposite of what I wanted to say, it was ridiculous. we began communicating and as soon as the channel was open my only means of communications were that of a sniveling little lapdog. I don’t know where it came from. I guess that’s why I’ve been so hard edge in the past with other girls is I know as soon as I speak, or text in this particular instance, I lose all ability to direct the path and outcome of that situation. Unlike a boss. haha.

Anyway, still I did feel vaguely better after we spoke. I guess there is no need to be just a hard ass. We may as well just be friends. I certainly don’t want to be in a relationship with an alcoholic, and this way I can still be of help if she should ever decide she wants to go to meetings and I can say things like, no I can’t come over, I’m going to a meeting, and really make the steam smoke out of her ears.  It really was like God’s will not mine though, all  I intended on was sending her a damn letter and it turned into us playing basketball and going out to eat japanese and next you thing you know we aren’t angry at each other any more. Well I guess she gets her cake and eats it to. Girls make the rules I suppose. Right up until they are pregnant barefoot and vulnerable. I remember when my ex was preggors the radio played that Rolling Stone song “Under my thumb” constantly. Would not stop, like every time I got in the car. However once the baby was about six months old it was the classic No Doubt feminine independence shit blasting out constantly and I remember my ex singing that song so damn loud “The world is forcing me to hold your hand” or “I’m walking in the spider webs, leave a message and I’ll call you back” eeewww eee that song would give me the creeps every damn time. Yeah buddy, the human female and the dynamics of the all that is intriguing powerful stuff. Nothing more inspiring in the entire world. But boy was I relieved when I saw that tampon box out in her bathroom when I went over there yesterday, lol. Like rolling sevens baby. The other one that played havoc on me was Paul Simon’s “Mother and Childs Reunion”, man i spent some time wondering what that was all about.

I will have been paying child support for almost 15 years by the time I’m done in two more years. It is really a messed up system. Watching that power shift from vulnerability to leverage was one of the scariest things in my life, and I think I’m still scarred and damaged from it all, probably why I date unavailable emotional wrecks like I do. I don’t know, get health insurance in another week and going to talk to a shrink about it for sure. I watch my buddies date multiple hotties, never getting bogged down, all available cool healthy chicks, and I seem to just continue to use my broken ass picker. Well so, it remains to be seen if my not burning the bridge policy will be a positive or a negative thing long run, but I don’t know, I don’t like having enemies like that, I never meant to in the past, but somehow over the past couple of years have seemed to collect girls that block me on facebook out of anger, spite, whatever, and I just didn’t want that to happen with this one. So we shall see.

On the hepatitis C front, I read an amazing couple of lines from this Paul Theroux book “My Secret History” and it is just so funny to me how I thought I’d written this same idea in Hippopotamus Sea, and it was original and unique and then here I find it a few years later staring back at me in another book, written by a master. Well at least my ideas aren’t shit I suppose.

Page 200

“Now I had the clap. The was the ultimate penalty and it was peculiarly appropriate. The very organ I had misused was now blazing with infection. It was like being struck dumb for telling a lie or blinded for staring at something forbidden. The clap was not merely a disease- it was a judgement on me.”

I don’t remember exactly where in Hippopotamus Sea, and I’m too lazy to go look it all up, but I wrote basically the same thing regarding hepatitis C attacking my liver, the organ I used to do my dastardly deeds of drinking, and of all the ailments illnesses and diseases in the world, I get a virus that attacks my liver. It’s as if there actually is a higher power in the universe. That or a very clever intelligence organization keeping track of our sins and doling out viruses or bacterial infections accordingly. haha… perhaps a bit paranoid. The God explanation is probably easier to accomplish logistically. That and ESP are really only explained by God…. unless they are soo damn advanced we can’t even fathom… lol… the skeptic in me is always searching for an answer.

So anyway, just thought that was blog worthy, illnesses that attack our vices… tell you what, I’d have traded the clap for Hep C any fucking day of the week though, and Post Interferon Syndrome wouldn’t be a factor what so ever. was making big plans yesterday, as if my brain was the old one, and not the foggy, sickly, every other day headache I actually suffer from now. I need to remember that moving into this new job opportunity. If I can’t keep up, maybe getting into a more blue collar line of work wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. And as long as I have my writing, that should really be all that matters, because when I die, it will be all that is left. Everything else turns to dust.

Hippopotamus Sea

Jared Bryan Smith